You could probably call this fan fiction. I just have a lot of feelings, hence a short story.
I am drowning again. The darkness creeps up to me like waves on a shore. I know what’s right, and I know my thoughts are the opposite of that but there is no one to help. The halls are full of people who only want to get out of my way. No body sees the scars on my arms or the bags under my eyes. I am invisible.
I know where this ends, and I know it won’t be pretty but I can’t seem to do anything about it. Like waves the darkness pulls me in, intoxicating and poisonous.
I am so far gone I might as well be a shadow. I stumble to class somehow and stumble away just as fast. I don’t think I want help anymore, because that would mean someone knowing how bad it is. How bad I am.
And just when the waves are about to crash over my head I see an angel. I have been sent an angel to rescue me. She is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Her eyes are the green of the hills and her smile is a lighthouse. She takes my hand, this unearthly being.
“Are you okay?”
Her words slice through me and all I can do is stare at the only person who has ever noticed that something was wrong. When I don’t answer she just smiles, like I am not wearing green and she is not wearing red.
She tells me her name, it’s the name of a flower. It fits so her so perfectly. She walks with me all the way back down the hall. I don’t notice the stares, I only have eyes for her.
I was merely a boy when my angel appeared and brought light into my poisonous world. Every day she would smile and she would hold my hand, and I would grip hers like she was the only thing worth holding on to in this world.
As we grew older we grew closer and I fell even more in love with her. She made my life worth living again, she made the dark thoughts disappear, and I did everything I could to repay her. Those days were the most beautiful of my life, we would sit outside on the grass and study together, her hair waving in the breeze, the smell of flowers around us. I would ask her to dance and she would laugh in my arms. I would kiss her and she wouldn’t resist. Slowly our differences were blurring and slowly smiling became a habit.
I made her my home, and she was always welcoming.
But good things never last.
He had been lurking in the background for a while, I had seen his eyes on her. And everyone knew who he was. Head boy, star at everything he did, always followed by his equally well known friends. All the girls wanted him, but he wanted my girl.
It wasn’t long before he made his move. He would ambush her after class before I had time to even say hello. At first she shoved him away and moved closer to me, making my heart almost burst.
But he was insistent. His friends would trip me in the hallways and they would laugh. He would shoot me glares across the classroom. He wanted my flower but I would not let her go.
Weeks went by of this game, avoiding him and trying to get every minute I could with her. She told me he was immature, she told me he was foolish to even look at her when she was with me. I held her tighter.
And yet she laughed at his jokes and I saw him carry her books. I saw his friends talking to her like she was one of them and suddenly I was once again aware of the green on my clothes and the red on theirs.
I was really finished when she stood up for him, one misty morning as I held her in my arms. She said he wasn’t that bad and I knew that was the start of her realising how bad I am.
For a few weeks I lied to myself. I told myself she couldn’t possibly choose him over me, but day after day we spent less time on the lawn together, and she spent more time walking the woods with him and his friends.
It was as if my angel had never come. And yet it hurt twice as bad as before, the darkness was even worse, feeding on the anger and bitterness inside me.
There wasn’t really a specific moment when she said that she chose him. But I saw it in her eyes, I saw it when they danced, I saw it when she walked past me in the hall with only a half glance in my direction.
Everyone said they were perfect, the sunshiny, popular couple. Ruling our school and around every corner. And I stayed as far away as possible.
It was torture seeing her smiling and laughing, away from me. The pain was unbearable. And the only thing that made it better was the darkness.
I dived in without a second thought, because without her light there was nothing stopping me. The pain on my wrist and the pain in my soul made the pain of losing her only a little better.
One afternoon I was on the lawn, in the shadows, looking for answers in books that seemed only to talk of light, when she saw me. She was alone, for once. And she came over, almost like she used to.
Concern was etched on her features and something a little like pain or regret. And yet her eyes were sparkling, because despite it all, that other boy made her happy.
She was close enough to see the shadows around my eyes and the tightening of my features. Something like disgust or fear flittered across her face.
And then, “Are you okay?”
We both know I’m not okay. And yet for some reason she thinks I should be. After everything that has happened. All I want is for her to grab my hand, like she did so many years ago and save me once again. But nothing can save me now. I see in her eyes that she knows it too. And I wonder if the fear on her face is fear of me, of what I’ve become.
A voice calls her name and we both look over at him. He wants her to go with him, he wants her to stop talking to me. So I let the only person who could ever have a chance of rebuilding the ruin that I am, walk away.
And even though I am a dead man, I will love her. Always.